Are There Any Humble Cars Left?

"Andy Sheehan, StreetsideStig" (AndySheehan-StreetsideStig) 11/18/2016 at 12:28 • Filed to: None

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So this all started when I read Torch’s recent review of the !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . That car, a little East German two-stroke literally made of pressed rags, has fascinated me for some time, and I’m only just starting to figure out why. The Trabant was a humble car, and the more I think about it, the more I realize that some of my favorite cars fall into this category. But can you even get a humble car anymore?

I once almost bought a Ford Festiva. I had been in contact with the seller. Cash in my pocket, I stayed up far too late the night before scrounging crusty corners of the internet looking for ways to modify the little hatch. Racing seats, Mazda swaps, lowering kits. Buying day came and I just needed the seller’s address. But he wasn’t picking up the phone. He responded to none of my texts. To save you some tears, I’ll just come out and say that I never found that car, and I ended up with something else. I’ve never forgiven him.

But why had I been so excited about it? Why do I still search Craigslist for Ford Festivas, knowing I have neither the money nor space to buy one? Why did that old communist Trabant remind me so much of it? They’re crappy little things, Festivas, Trabants, old Civics and Datsuns, slow and rusting, rife with electrical issues, their single barrel carburetors clogged and confused with age, their mufflers removing themselves.

I love humble cars, though, so I’ll use my degree from the University of Vague Car Theories (UVCT Alternators, GO FIGHT WIN!) to figure out why. But first, what defines a humble car? Humble cars are efficient, utilitarian, usually slow, and always cheap. And above all, they’re honest about it in design.

The Trabant, for example, is basically three boxes on wheels. There are no weird little curves or scoops or trim pieces to distract you from the fact that you’re driving three boxes made of cotton fiber. The same is true of the Festiva. Aside from a set of slim little box flares, it’s a pair of file cabinets and doesn’t apologize for it. One of the best cars I’ve ever owned, my 1990 Accord Coupe, had the same spirit.

Humble cars don’t have to be boxy, but they tend to be. The VW Beetle, despite its “people’s car” callsign, isn’t what I would call humble. It’s too pretty, too design-focused. It looks fast, even if it isn’t. Maybe I’m subjectively painting it with images of Herbie winning rallies, or Mighty Car Mods stuffing theirs with a turbocharged Subaru engine, but it was penned to be memorable and attractive, even cute. Humble cars are not. When you look at a humble car, you know that very little of its budget went to design. Someone with a t-square and a pencil spent an afternoon drawing the very best thing they could to encase a project already in process, and what they had at the deadline went to the clay. There were no risks. Humble cars are designed to be afforded, not swooned over. The Beetle’s contemporary Squareback wagon is a much better example.

Yet these designs end up being some of the most beautiful to me. I think it’s because they’re so minimalist. A Datsun 510 is a place to rest the eye. There’s something about the proportions, like the brain just appreciates clean lines and simple boundaries without distraction.

But humble cars aren’t just about design, either. They must be mechanically simple and relatively reliable. Determining desirability with this one is easy. I enjoy modifying cars, so if I can take something apart more easily, I’ll have more fun. Humble cars are almost always slow, too. And modifying a slow car can be more fun than modifying a fast one. A fast car must be fast already in stock form, so tuning it can call for more expensive and extraordinary measures. A slow car might just need a muffler delete and a cold air intake to make an extra 7 hp. And when the whole car only makes 80 hp, that’s a huge improvement.

Slowness isn’t the goal, of course. It’s a side-effect of efficiency. No one willing to buy a humble car wants to put up with gas guzzling, so humble cars must sip fuel. This also leads to a humble car’s lightness. As with any vehicle, the lighter the weight, the more fun you’ll have. Utility is another attractive feature of the humble car. That favored Festiva with the seats folded down packed 52 cubic feet of cargo room, probably enough for a small pony. Think about an old Subaru wagon, with the spare tire under the hood to make more space for cargo in the back. Or the aforementioned VW squareback, with a trunk up front and more cargo room through the hatch.

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Finally, they’re cheap. Cheap to buy, cheap to own, cheap to fix and fuel. Even cheap to insure. They’re loud, uncomfortable, and free of the burden of amenities, but you only pay for what you get. Usually they’re the cheapest cars you can buy brand new.

But I took a look at some of America’s current cheapest cars, and I’m not sure you can buy a humble car anymore.

The cheapest, the Nissan Versa sedan, has a base price of $11,990. It’s fairly efficient, covering 40 mpg highway; and light, weighing under 2,400 lbs. But it doesn’t have nearly the cargo room to be considered a utilitarian humble car, with just 14.9 cubic feet. Crank your price up by almost $3,000 and you can get the Versa Note hatchback with an impressive 38.3 cubic feet, but that’s not so cheap anymore. Still, the Versa’s greatest failure of the humble test is its design. It’s not forgettable, and it certainly isn’t simple. It’s just ugly . The needless chrome, the pinched face, the weird swoops and complications on the flanks... It’s a mess. It’s embarrassingly trying to look like a more expensive car, and this immediately disqualifies it.

Next up is the Mitsubishi Mirage, which used to be the cheapest, but can now be had for $12,995. This is almost a winner. It boasts an impressive 47 cubic feet of cargo space and a mostly clean, straightforward design. It’s efficient and pleasantly slow, with the 78 hp 3-cyl managing 43 mpg on the highway. But the needless chrome trim hurts its score, as well as Mitsubishi’s questionable reliability record. Close, Mitsubishi. Very close.

Finally, you can get a Chevy Spark for just $5 more. The $13k hatch gets 41 mpg, and only makes 98 hp. And Chevy even killed the shocking, open wound headlights from the Spark’s troubled first generation. Some chrome trim still remains, but the design is almost free of useless creases and character lines. Do we have a humble car? No. Even with the seats folded down, the spark only has 27.2 feet of cargo room. So much for utility.

Of the three, I think the Mirage is the closest to a true humble car, something someone with a very small budget can shrug at, tell the dealer, “It is what it is,” and buy. Yet it isn’t the Festiva of old. Crash safety standards have pretty much done away with cars like the Festiva in America, but I wonder if the absence of these regulations would make much of a difference.

While many in our nation claim that they don’t care about cars, no one really wants a humble car. A person’s car is zip-tied to his or her personal image. Budgets might be low, but admitting it with the purchase of a boxy little hatchback is tough for someone trying to promote his or her #brand on Snapchat. Everything has to carry the pretense of style, of modernity and technology and the beginnings of opulence. The start of a wealthy life.

Just the other day, I read about a friend of mine, a young mom, who bought an SUV because she refused to give in to the call of the minivan. Never mind that minivans are more practical, spacious, and stable. She couldn’t handle the perceived stigma of the minivan mom. The irony is that SUVs now carry the same stigma. Non-parents look at SUV drivers and chuckle at the lack of glaciers they’re traversing.

Today’s minivan, with its integrated vacuum cleaners and personal IMAX theaters, is not a humble car, but the principle carries. So many SUVs are chosen over minivans strictly for the sake of image. So many cars in general are chosen over humble cars because their owners are afraid of appearing poor. That’s a personal problem, but meanwhile, the rest of us can’t get humble cars anymore because of it.

Time to go look for Festivas on Craigslist again. Let me know if you find a Trabant.

This post originally appeared on StreetsideAuto.com, but all the comments are along the line of “I want gathering useful info, this post has got me even more info!” (Actual comment.)

not for canada - australian in disguise > Andy Sheehan, StreetsideStig 11/18/2016 at 12:40

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Maybe not in the States.

Simple, no frills, honest. But not completely miserable like the Versa you guys get (and that the Micra replaced). Oh, and the Versa costs about 5 grand american more (About $7600 USD for the Micra, and the Versa is $12,000).

Chinny Raccoon > Andy Sheehan, StreetsideStig 11/18/2016 at 12:43

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Outside of the US, the entire Dacia and Suzuki range are probably the best match. Simple and honest cars.

Andy Sheehan, StreetsideStig > not for canada - australian in disguise 11/18/2016 at 12:46

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Yeah, I think that story they ran about the Micra Cup helped inspire this article. WHY CAN’T WE HAVE THIS.

Probenja > Andy Sheehan, StreetsideStig 11/18/2016 at 12:49

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So basically you want a shitty car? Sadly a car like the Festiva wouldn’t sell very well because it doesn’t look expensive enough, just like what happened to the Tata Nano, the “cheapest car in the world” people didn’t buy them because they gave the impression of a poor man’s car so they spend a little more money and got a Maruti-Suzuki Alto 800 even though the Tata was probably better value and a good enough car for their needs so Tata had to change the Nano to a more upmarket car:

Even the Trabant that you mention had a fake grille to emulate a more expensive car design like the Peugeot 404 so it could sell more. Like you said, image is what sells cars, not practicality and simplicity.

Justin Hughes > Andy Sheehan, StreetsideStig 11/18/2016 at 12:57

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I submit the Kia Rio for your review.

I just rented one for a week in Puerto Rico. Starting at $14,165 ($15,495 for the hatch), it’s not as cheap as the cars you mentioned. But it’s still about as basic a car as you can get, especially in cheap rental car form. The only option mine had was an automatic transmission. The hatch gives you nearly 50sf of cargo space, but even the sedan ate all of our luggage (two suitcases, one carry-on, and one backpack) with room to spare. It was nothing special and I definitely wouldn’t buy one for myself, but it was the right tool for the right job during our vacation.

Andy Sheehan, StreetsideStig > Justin Hughes 11/18/2016 at 14:02

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Yeah, if this had been a deeper study, I probably would’ve nominated this in hatch form. That’s a huge amount of cargo space, and not even the sedan could be called ugly. Just basic in design.

Andy Sheehan, StreetsideStig > Probenja 11/18/2016 at 14:03

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Didn’t the Nanos have that little problem of lighting themselves on fire? Also, look at that thing. It’s terrifying. It looks like it’s going to burrow through your skin and eat your liver. It may be cheap, but it’s not humble.

Justin Hughes > Andy Sheehan, StreetsideStig 11/18/2016 at 14:10

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Basic in everything. My rental didn’t even have cruise control, though it did have Bluetooth, which I suppose is more important these days. Pipsqueak power, but I was able to manually shift the automatic to use what it had fairly well. Handling was actually good for what it is through the narrow twisty hilly roads near Arecibo.

Textured Soy Protein > Andy Sheehan, StreetsideStig 11/18/2016 at 14:27

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They’re not super cheap, but any of your Toyota Yaris, Honda Fit, Ford Fiesta, Hyundai Accent, Kia Rio, etc. I’d say all those qualify. They’re not the absolute bottom rung of the automotive latter but pretty close. The “problem” is they are all pretty decent now.

Andy Sheehan, StreetsideStig > Textured Soy Protein 11/18/2016 at 14:51

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Yeah. All good cars, but definitely not the cheapest anymore.

RallyDarkstrike - Fan of 2-cyl FIATs, Eastern Bloc & Kei cars > Textured Soy Protein 11/18/2016 at 17:15

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I still like to think my 2009 Accent was one of the last modern “humble” cars. Base trims started at $9999 CAD when the were new during the model’s run from 2006-2010. Manual trans as standard, no power locks, no power windows, no power mirrors, no keyless entry or remote start, no ABS (though later models if that gen came with it as standard), no ESC, no Cruise Control, no A/C.

It’s basically a rounded 2-box design for the hatch models - 110hp isn’t a lot, but it’s adequate enough. The engine has modern tech, sure, but nothing overly super modern and it’s cheap to buy, cheap to run, and surprisingly reliable...my only issues in 54,000kms have been one or two suspension bushings and a faulty chip ignition key reader that wouldn’t let the car start on the first try sometimes.

Competent little basic cars, and they don’t look THAT bad, at least to me! Especially the hatchbacks.

pip bip - choose Corrour > Andy Sheehan, StreetsideStig 11/18/2016 at 17:59

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Dacia Logan mk2 , base 1.2 Access is only available in white and has manual windows all round.

RT > Andy Sheehan, StreetsideStig 11/19/2016 at 07:15

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Good News!

RT > Andy Sheehan, StreetsideStig 11/19/2016 at 07:18

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Most road-testers have said it isn’t all that great though. There are better cheap city cars around e.g: Up!, Sandero, Panda etc.

torque > Andy Sheehan, StreetsideStig 11/19/2016 at 23:37

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Not a car, however the Nssan NV200 certainly is an excellent honest & humble compact (for a van) runabout that’s inexpensive to buy & to run

I think the same could be said for the Ford Transit Connect and possibly (gasp) the Mercedes Metris

Andy Sheehan, StreetsideStig > pip bip - choose Corrour 11/21/2016 at 08:47

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Steelies! With no wheel covers!

Andy Sheehan, StreetsideStig > torque 11/21/2016 at 08:50

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Yes. I love the NV200. I know that’s a weird thing to say, but I love it.

torque > Andy Sheehan, StreetsideStig 11/22/2016 at 19:52

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Haha Count me in b/c I love the NV200 as well

“Um “Weird” party of two, your table is ready”

Scott R > Andy Sheehan, StreetsideStig 08/16/2018 at 00:06

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I stumbled across my 92 Ford festiva and I haven’t regretted dropping the $500 for I can make the 10 gallon tank last two weeks between fills and that is with a half hour drive to work 5 days a week